Tuesday, May 3, 2011

The dreadful four lettered word

All I've wanted out of life was love.

Well. love and happiness. But to me, the two are synonymous; the things I love make me happy.

But since the very beginnings of my love life ( <-sounds funny), I've had trouble. OK, who hasn't rite? Well the thing is that some people really haven't. Or atleast they haven't had trouble finding love. Of course they encountered some troubles along the way but that's life and through it all they still managed to find someone GOOD.

So my million dollar question is why haven't I?? Am I not deserving?

It seems like I come across some potential but just at the wrong times in my life I guess. See, I know what my problem is: I'm the wife. not the girlfriend.

Males want their wife when they're settled with a job and done living the crazy lifestyle filled with girls, girls, girls. They dont want they're wife at age 18, 19, 21, shit sometimes not even 23. They don't want anything too serious at a young age.

They want the girlfriend. The girl they may date for a few months if it's good, who will give them sex quickly and then regularly. Who doesn't probe their mind much, doesn't inquire about their future, and is just the all around good-time girl.

They don't want the one who will make them wait for sex, who want's to actually know them emotionally as opposed to physically. Because see this girl requires too much TIME. Conquering her requires too much energy. Yeah, she's great...you could see her in the future being successful, being a good mom, getting along with your mom and family, loving you...but what guy wants that at 20 years old? VERY FEW if any. So they'd rather use their youth chasing girlfriends and leaving the wives somewhere by the way-side to possibly be useful when they're ready for them.

This works against me because I cant be that girl and I cant be simple.

I'm a a lover.

I can't help it. This doesn't mean that I fall in love with any and every  guy because that s for sure not true..I've only loved 1..maybe 2. It just means that when I love, I love forreal. I love strong.

I love so strong... like seriously I feel like my love is unparalleled by most. I think that at age 17 i coulda been married to the person i loved and loved him and only him forever..completely happy with no regrets. But now... Idk. I feel like i been shitted on by love and hurt to the degree that i don't even know if i know how to happily love without fear anymore. Matter fact, I'm not ready for love.. and i'm glad it has not found me and i have not found it again yet because at this point, it could very well be my demise.

Sometimes I just ask why. Why me. Why couldn't i just find the one who i could trust completely and give all of my love to without fear of him using it against me..

I mean damn. Im starting to hate the damn word... love... ughhh i almost shudder at the sound of it now.

Yet, all I've ever wanted out of life was love..

and happiness... but perhaps the two can't be synonymous anymore. I guess i need to find a way to ultimately be happy with however life turns out..even if that means without love.

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