The dreadful four lettered word

All I've wanted out of life was love.

Well. love and happiness. But to me, the two are synonymous; the things I love make me happy.

But since the very beginnings of my love life ( <-sounds funny), I've had trouble. OK, who hasn't rite? Well the thing is that some people really haven't. Or atleast they haven't had trouble finding love. Of course they encountered some troubles along the way but that's life and through it all they still managed to find someone GOOD.

So my million dollar question is why haven't I?? Am I not deserving?

It seems like I come across some potential but just at the wrong times in my life I guess. See, I know what my problem is: I'm the wife. not the girlfriend.

Males want their wife when they're settled with a job and done living the crazy lifestyle filled with girls, girls, girls. They dont want they're wife at age 18, 19, 21, shit sometimes not even 23. They don't want anything too serious at a young age.

They want the girlfriend. The girl they may date for a few months if it's good, who will give them sex quickly and then regularly. Who doesn't probe their mind much, doesn't inquire about their future, and is just the all around good-time girl.

They don't want the one who will make them wait for sex, who want's to actually know them emotionally as opposed to physically. Because see this girl requires too much TIME. Conquering her requires too much energy. Yeah, she's great...you could see her in the future being successful, being a good mom, getting along with your mom and family, loving you...but what guy wants that at 20 years old? VERY FEW if any. So they'd rather use their youth chasing girlfriends and leaving the wives somewhere by the way-side to possibly be useful when they're ready for them.

This works against me because I cant be that girl and I cant be simple.

I'm a a lover.

I can't help it. This doesn't mean that I fall in love with any and every  guy because that s for sure not true..I've only loved 1..maybe 2. It just means that when I love, I love forreal. I love strong.

I love so strong... like seriously I feel like my love is unparalleled by most. I think that at age 17 i coulda been married to the person i loved and loved him and only him forever..completely happy with no regrets. But now... Idk. I feel like i been shitted on by love and hurt to the degree that i don't even know if i know how to happily love without fear anymore. Matter fact, I'm not ready for love.. and i'm glad it has not found me and i have not found it again yet because at this point, it could very well be my demise.

Sometimes I just ask why. Why me. Why couldn't i just find the one who i could trust completely and give all of my love to without fear of him using it against me..

I mean damn. Im starting to hate the damn word... love... ughhh i almost shudder at the sound of it now.

Yet, all I've ever wanted out of life was love..

and happiness... but perhaps the two can't be synonymous anymore. I guess i need to find a way to ultimately be happy with however life turns out..even if that means without love.

G.O.O.D.

I feel like I never write about anything that is "happy" per se. Well this is kinda true. I tend not to write about the good things because I feel like if I speak of them or mention them outside of my head..I'll jinx it. But you know what? I'm going to change that. In my head, out of my head, it probably doesn't matter because what will happen will happen.


So :)

Right now I don't really have anything thats just euphoric to share so hmm....maybe I should hold off on actually writing my good news post, and for now just say that rest assured that good things are coming!

Sometimes in life we focus on he bad, because it's just so easy. But we have to remember the good...the good is what keeps us going and wanting to see each new day. The good is what makes life worth living!

So I'm reminding myself to smile, smile smile! Because sometimes, nothing at all but just the fact that you are indeed living is GOOD enough :)

Things I Haven't Learned

"I want you" doesn't mean "I like you"; "I like you" doesn't mean "I'll love you"; And "I love you" doesn't seem to mean all that much anymore.

These are things I've learned.

I've also learned that I live for love..
I've learned that I like to be in the company of those I like
I've learned that I can catch feelings quickly..
I've learned that when it comes to relationships I can be insecure due to fear of rejection (although i don't                 know why I'd be rejected..)
I've learned that I feel slighted easily by those I care for
I've learned that when I can't feel love..like just in a moment, Im the saddest I can be
I've learned that i feel a need to be perfect..and I NEVER will be..and it kills me..

Seems like I've learned a lot? But most of it amounts to nothing. "Knowledge without application is useless". See, I know these things, but I don't know...well haven't sufficiently tried to find out how to change the things that need to be changed.

So in the I really haven't learned much.

Okay. So I know what I want you doesn't mean, but what does it mean?  I know I like you may not turn into I love you, but what will i do if it doesn't ? But even if it did, I still don't know what I love you means...at least not coming from others..

Basically, when it comes to love...I haven't learned ANYTHING. Whoever the first person was to say "love is blind" is a genius because it truly is. But it's not just love..."like" is blind too. Sometimes we overlook those red flags because we just want sooo badly to like that person who is (other than that crucial flaw) seemingly perfect! They always seem so perfect in the beginning...smh.

But anywho, that person is me. I can sit and tell u all day what a girl should and shouldn't accept from a guy, what she should and should't do, when she's being dumb, what she needs to do..etc.

But the problem is that I AM that girl, and when it comes to myself....I'm just as dumb as a doorknob 90% of the time.

So. They say the first step to finding a solution is admitting that you have a problem. Well, here. I've admitted it. I know nothing and am stuck trying to comprehend all of the things I haven't learned...

Problem stated. Now I just wait to find the solution..

I Can't Be Your "Superman".

As much as I hate to say it... as bad as it sounds... as insensitive as it may seem... I've just come to terms with the fact that I can't be your superhero. I can't save you from the evils of your life and the immense hurt in your recent past..because I am hurting myself. I need healing myself. I need to be "saved" myself. And what you ask of me...I don't know how to give.

People say that in platonic as well as romantic relationships, one is supposed to be there for the other. For this reason I had trouble accepting that I couldn't help you. But the reality is that I'm broken as well. And, no. Two broken people do not come together to make a whole. I look at like being complimentary, not supplementary. Even in my hurt state I indeed could be there...but some problems are too big for me to handle.

I feel that certain pain we must deal with ourselves. Some things other people really can't truly help us with. I could try to comfort and console, but I just can't make it go away.

So I have to say this.

I mean no slight to your struggle or feelings of pain, but you must now put away your "bat signal". Don't call on me to come to your rescue right now...because I will show up willing to do all I can...but I would appear before you as a mere mortal. Just a few elements short of superhuman, and perfectly imperfect. It's true. I'm not superman, I can't rescue you...but perhaps we can both be what we need to ourselves and save ourselves...